An Open-Ended Letter to Congress

Distinguished members of congress,

In these very hard financial times it is important for our elected officials to act swiftly and gracefully to insure the continued prosperity of this great nation.  The current economic recession coupled with what may be the most significant downturn in housing in the history of this nation has forced tax payers to invest directly in these companies, or to use common vernacular, bail them out.  I am writing this letter because I believe that congress must again act swiftly to prevent the failure of one of America’s most important resources, myself.

Members of congress I urge you to pass the Na’im McKee Economic Assistance for the Betterment of Almost the Whole United States Act, better known as NMEAFTBATWUSA.  I implore you to act swiftly to buy my troubled assets such as my ballooning student aid debt, my used Ford Escape, and my high-APR credit card.  Simply put, I cannot be allowed to fail.  My failure would cause an irreconcilable, cataclysmic economic slide and when coupled with the coming earthquakes, impending hurricanes, the rapture, and the return of a revamped version of, “That’s my Mama”, the failure of our great country would be virtually assured.  Thousands of small businesses would be forced to consider bankruptcy if I were to fail, Tipsy’s Liquor world, Wok In $1-a-scoop, and Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles would be devastated by the losses.

Unlike members of the “Big 3″ Detroit automakers I have a precise plan for how I will retool and reshape my business strategy to insure that taxpayer dollars are not wasted.  First I would arbitrarily bet half of the dollars on the New York Jets.  I have now come to the conclusion that Brett Favre is simply never going to die, and his Herculean, Samsonian, man-strength is simply a much better investment than say T-Bonds, or Collateralized Debt Obligations.  Secondly, I would use another quarter of the money to pepper telephone poles with “Get Paid to Lose Weight” Fliers, this lucrative “cash-cow” offers an endless supply of cash in today’s world of the super-obese.  With the last quarter of the money I would put a down-payment on Mexico, that’s right Mexico.  In a stunning bit of Jeffersonian trickery I would simply put a “down-payment” on Mexico, and force a principal agreement using a NINJA (No Income No Job or Assets) loan to establish a payback schedule for my 200-year, adjustable rate, jumbo loan.

Congress in these tough times what this nation needs are “deciders”, you must act now to pass the NMEAFTBATWUSA stimulus plan lest you be responsible for the utter destruction of all humanity.  I implore you to consider the consequences of inaction, and may God forgive your wretched souls.

Your loving and perpetual citizen,

Na’im